I’m a snob. 

I thought Hallmark Christmas movies were, well, inferior.  

Not byzantine, like Game of Thrones. Or witty like The West Wing.

I was wrong.  

Hallmark movies are like soap operas — except happy. 

And I only stopped watching soaps because All My Children and One Life to Live were canceled.  

I mean, did the network even watch AMC and OLTL? 

That’s All My Children and One Life to Live. Not that the network would know that.  

Because if they did, they’d know life without Erica Kane planning a wedding or Dorian Lord plotting, well, anything isn’t much of a life. 

Poor Dorian Lord. Wrongfully accused all those years. It was Viki, I tell you! Viki! 

Contrary to soap opera plotlines, Hallmark movies don’t have evil twins because no one is evil. And remember when Viki found out she was the one who murdered her father? 

Well, in Hallmark movies, no one ever finds out they murdered their father. But they might discover they’re a wealthy scion. 

There are no long-lost children, only long-lost loves, rekindled on snowy Christmas Eves. Nobody steals husbands, but they do steal kisses under the mistletoe. 

I mean, I do miss the drama of soaps. 

Thankfully, the last time I checked in on General Hospital, Sonny had amnesia and didn’t know he was Sonny. 

Of course, the woman taking care of him knew he was Sonny.  

And pretended she didn’t know he was Sonny. 

You know, everyone in Port Charles thought Sonny was dead. And there she was. Knowing Sonny was safe all along. 

Some people. 

Anyway, I didn’t intend on becoming a Hallmark Christmas movie enthusiast.  

But last Christmas, my cousin’s wife — a Barrymore Award-winning actor — starred in a Christmas movie on QVC. 

She taught me to say “salad!” with a toss of my head, so I’d look good in pictures.  

So yeah. Even though Hallmark-y Christmas movies aren’t my thing, I watched it. 

I enjoyed the story, for sure. But you know how one protagonist in those Christmas movies is always about to leave town without acknowledging their love? 

That was me. 

I couldn’t see my adoration for the jolly tales told by Hallmark, Lifetime, QVC, and their ilk. 

But in every one of those Christmas movies, a contrivance, a McGuffin throws would-be lovers back together just in time to realize their affections. 

My McGuffin was another holiday movie. 

This one starred Amanda Kloots, whose real-life tragic pandemic story makes me perpetually root for her. 

So when she wrote and starred in a Christmas movie, well, what was I supposed to do? Ignore it?  

Are you a Grinch? A Scrooge?  

My husband? 

After watching — I’m not kidding — Fit for Christmas, I thought I was done. 

But a commercial for A Merry Scottish Christmas changed all that. 

The protagonist discovers she’s a Scottish duchess. 

I want to discover I’m a Scottish duchess.  

I mean, she even has a castle. And tartan skirts. And a hot guy who tends the land. 

I have a hot guy who tends the game meat in the three freezers in my garage.  

That’s almost the same thing. 

I made a piping cup of tea, grabbed a few cookies, and curled up with Christmas in Scotland. 

That was when I saw the commercial for A Heidelberg Holiday.

I don’t know that I necessarily want to spend a Christmas in Germany.  

But Christmas in Europe just feels so much more … Hallmark Christmas.  

If I were a Hallmark Christmas movie, this would be the part where I quickly look away when my love interest catches me staring. 

A Heidelberg Holiday appealed to me because I will — someday — spend a Christmas in Europe. 

No.  

All Christmases in Europe. 

Well. I think we all know what happened when I watched A Heidelberg Holiday.

I saw a commercial for Christmas in Montana.

During Christmas in Montana, I saw a commercial for A Biltmore Christmas. 

And I was out. Really, I was. It’s just Somewhere in Time without the agonizing ending. 

But then Jonathan Frakes wandered onscreen. 

“Who,” my husband asked, “is Jonathan Frakes?” 

You can’t blame him for not knowing Jonathan Frakes is Commander Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

He’s probably jealous. 

I’d marry Commander Riker tomorrow. 

He’d just have to divorce his wife. 

Genie Francis. 

You know. Laura. 

As in Luke and Laura. 

As in General Hospital. 

And now it all comes together. Soaps and Hallmark Christmas movies and Jonathan Frakes. 

I’ve realized I want to stay. Stay with my one true love. 

Hallmark Christmas movies. 

Merry Christmas.